A Vocation, Not a Career

"...But on my way to where?  Or to what?  It wasn’t long before it became apparent to me that God had some dramatic changes in store for my life..." 

By all appearances, I led a near-perfect life . . . at least on paper.  By the time I was thirty, I held a master’s degree in literature and was poised to begin writing my dissertation at a major university, where I was also an instructor in my field.  I was in a relationship with an attractive, intelligent young woman who was a fellow graduate student and teacher.  To top it all off, we both drove nice cars, lived in a charming loft apartment overlooking a small lake and even had a dog (okay, I have to be honest; the dog was hers, was mean and he occasionally bit people, but I digress . . .).  Indeed, from an external perspective, both my professional as well as my personal life seemed to be at the point of really taking off –the sky was the limit!

However, there was one serious problem: I just wasn’t happy.  True, I had gotten everything that I had thought that I wanted, everything that I was toldmattered most—prestigious career, wonderful gal, hip friends, slick cocktail parties, etc.  Though I was by almost any standard living “the dream,” as they say, ultimately it wasn’t my dream, though of course I didn’t realize this right away.  More importantly, it later became quite clear to me that this wasn’t God’s will for my life, either.

And in the final analysis, that was what was missing, or rather, the Who that was missing from my life—God.  It wasn’t just that I had stopped attending church regularly over ten years before—though a large factor in my shiftlessness, I believe this to have been more of a symptom of the fact that I had by and large shut God out of my life (with the exception of the occasional desperate prayer to help me find my car keys or wallet).  In a spiritual sense, and perhaps in a practical sense as well, I had remained an adolescent: selfish, myopic, cocksure, self-deceiving and—perhaps worst of all—beholden solely to my own will.  To the same extent that I had allowed my relationship with the Lord to deteriorate, so had I also ceased to grow . . . and as a direct result, I was miserable!

The date I’ll always remember: Wednesday, September 19th, 2007.  I was driving into campus to teach my morning section of rhetoric, and the stark realization suddenly dawned on me; despite any and all “appearances” to the contrary, my life was a meaningless, directionless disaster: if this was “success,” then I wasn’t sure how much more “success” I could take. I then recall saying out loud to God at that very moment: “I don’t want to live like this any more . . . help me.”  I think that this was the first sincere prayer I had uttered to God in years, and though crude and clumsy, it was to prove to be the embryonic beginning of a new, dynamic and mature prayer life.  Furthermore, it was the first step in building an honest relationship with God.

Since that day, my life has never been the same.   The following Sunday I attended mass for the first time in what seemed like an age, and shortly thereafter I made an appointment with the associate pastor of the parish to make a full confession—it had been a long time since I had done that, too.  In a matter of only a few days, I had gone from being the quintessential “lapsed Catholic” to once again entering into full communion with the Church; the Lord was at work in my life, and I was on my way . . . .

But on my way to where?  Or to what?  It wasn’t long before it became apparent to me that God had some dramatic changes in store for my life.  My prayer life continued to grow, and even though this crucible of spiritual metamorphosis presented intense challenges as well as some significant setbacks, with the Lord’s help I “stayed the course.”  Early the following year, the whisperings of discernment had revealed to me that I was meant for a different path, one that did not include an intimate life-partner or an academic “career,” as such.  Confirming my feelings in this regard, my former significant other one day said to me: “I think you should be a priest.”  Though I had thought about a religious vocation when I was much younger, this statement, coming from a non-Catholic no less, (re)kindled something within me.  Was this where this new spiritual journey of mine was to lead? 

Over the following months, my vocational discernment heightened exponentially.  It became rather obvious to me that the diocesan priesthood was not my vocation, so I began, with the immense help of the internet, to inquire about religious congregations.  After a plethora of e-mails, letters, phone calls and some come-and-sees, I was invited to apply for admission to a particular community which seemed at the time to be a good “fit.”  Elated, I phoned my father to tell him the good news.  He listened, and then rejoined: “don’t forget about the Norbertines.”  My spiritual director had in fact suggested this particular order as a distinct possibility for me and, unbeknownst to him at the time, I was actually a graduate of St. Norbert College in Wisconsin.  About a week or so later, I received a telephone call from the Norbertines of Santa Maria de la Vid Priory in Albuquerque with an invitation to visit.  Albuquerque!  I had never been to New Mexico before in my life.  Still, despite the fact that I had every intention of entering another community, I used my time off for spring break to visit the Priory—and within a day I knew for a certainty: this is IT.  Though it seemed completely insane “on paper” to enter a community situated in the midst of a place and culture with which I had no familiarity, I felt very strongly that this was where the Lord wanted me.  The day before I was to fly home I was made an Affiliate of the community, and on the 27th of August 2009 (First Vespers of the Feast of St. Augustine) I was vested as a novice of Santa Maria de la Vid Priory.  

What else can I say?  Yes, I have experienced both joys and struggles since entering religious life—but in the aggregate, I feel extremely blessed to have been able to answer this amazing calling and begin discovering my true self.  Where the journey will eventually take me from here, the Lord only knows—but as long as Christ remains at the center of my life, and I remain open to the stirrings of the Holy Spirit, the Lord’s guiding love will ensure sure that I always end up, as one of our older confreres here is fond of saying, “right where I need to be . . . .”